As matchmakers, we get a unique behind-the-scenes look at what people say after a date. Sometimes the feedback is a simple, “The chemistry just wasn’t there,” but other times the feedback is much more specific. And while not every comment is easy to hear, it’s often incredibly valuable for our clients. People rarely realize how they’re actually showing up on a date, and how they are being perceived.
And that’s ok. We all have our blindspots! And that is absolutely true for dating.
Over the years, we’ve definitely noticed a very clear pattern in the dates that didn’t go so well. And by far, the number one turn-off on a first date is this:
Talking too much about yourself—and not showing enough curiosity about the other person.
Almost everyone has done this at some point. First dates can bring out the nerves, and when we’re anxious, we tend to default to talking about what we know best: our jobs, our kids, our interests, our stories, our opinions… our everything.
Sometimes we also slip into “sell mode.” When we really like someone or want to make a good impression, we start listing our accomplishments or highlighting what we believe to be our best traits, almost like we are on a job interview. But while the intention may be innocent, it can come across as bragging—or worse, as if we’re not all that interested in who’s sitting across from us.
So if it’s natural for some people to fall into that trap, how do we avoid dominating the conversation on a first date?
Here are some simple, effective ways to create a more balanced, engaging connection:
1. Read Their Profile—Really Read It
Before the date, take a few minutes to learn about them. If you matched online or through a matchmaker, revisit their profile and note anything that genuinely interests you. If they love skiing, ask about their favourite mountain. If they’re into cooking, ask what dish they love making most. This shows effort—and gives you easy openings for natural conversation.
2. Don’t Panic Over Pauses
Silence on a first date isn’t a bad sign—it’s normal. Instead of scrambling to fill the lull by talking about yourself, try asking a thoughtful question that keeps the focus on them. A small moment of quiet is often just that… a moment. And those quiet moments can be nice resets and an opportunity to ask another thoughtful question.
3. Ask Questions That Spark Emotion
Surface-level questions create surface-level connection. Go a little deeper. Try something like:
- “What do you love most about your job?” instead of “So, what do you do?”
- “What’s something that recently made you laugh?”
- “What’s a place you’ve visited that really stuck with you?”
Questions that tap into emotions—not just facts—help people open up and feel seen.
4. Lean Into Shared Interests
Common ground builds chemistry. If you discover you both love the same type of music, don’t just stop at acknowledging it. Ask:
- “How did you get into that genre?”
- “Do you remember the first concert you went to?”
- “What song always puts you in a great mood?”
These kinds of conversations create energy and connection instead of feeling like an interview.
5. Pay Attention to Body Language and Listen Actively
Nonverbal cues speak loudly on a first date.
Make eye contact. Nod when they’re speaking. Keep your posture relaxed and open.
Active listening is one of the most attractive qualities you can bring to a date. It shows you’re present, engaged, and genuinely curious about the person in front of you.
Final Thought
From years of listening to post-date feedback, one truth stands out: people connect most deeply when they feel heard. When you show genuine interest, ask thoughtful questions, and stay present, you create an environment where chemistry can actually thrive. First dates aren’t about proving your worth—they’re about discovering a connection with another person. And with a little intention and self-awareness, you can turn a simple conversation into the foundation of something meaningful.